After Letting Go

Time to Leave

Simone placed the last suitcase by the door when Cornell arrived home at six in the morning. At the sight of her, he let out a harsh, heavy sigh and said, “Can we not do this right now? I fell asleep over one of my boy’s houses while watching the game. I’m tired and I really can’t deal with your drama right now.”

“Fine, why don’t you get some sleep and we can talk later.” She sat down on the living room couch and turned on the television. The arrogant look that flashed across his face didn’t bother her. He walked over and kissed her on the forehead.

“All right, I’m going to grab a few hours of shut eye. Wake me up if I’m not up by ten.”  When he turned to walk away he spotted her suitcase by the door. With his back to her he said, “If you are planning to leave, then don’t bother to wait until I wake up. If you can’t trust me then I don’t need you around anyway. Without a doubt, it will be a whole lot easier for me to replace you than it will be for you to replace me.” He walked out of the room.

The second he stepped from the room, Simone stood, grabbed her purse, car keys, and suitcase, then left. Moving in with Cornell had been the second bad decision she made in regards to him. The first one was to date him. As she drove her packed to the rim car away, she promised herself that she would never again let a man take her for granted or treat her with disdain or disrespect. After three years of crying broken hearted tears, sleeping endless nights alone wondering where he was, and cringing from the harsh criticism he had of her, Simone had had enough. The tears had stopped months ago, along with caring about him being out all night. In fact she began to enjoy the time to herself. She’d stopped questioning where he was or who he was with. He was so cocky, or maybe it was because he believed her an idiot, that he didn’t bother varying his story.

It was always some random, nameless friend’s house that he fell asleep at watching some unknown game.Tears formed without her permission and she thought to fight them off, until she realized they were tears of joy. It hit her that it was over and she was finally moving on. Her heart was bruised and damaged and would need some time to heal. She planned to give it all the time it needed, because she was done playing craps with it, gambling and losing in an effort to find some mythical euphoric, utopia called love.

A New Temptation

Two years after the Cornell disaster, Simone had kept her promise to herself and was happy with her low-key, date free life. Any time loneliness tried to rear its troublemaking head, she reminded herself of all she had been through and how lonely she had been even while in a relationship. It helped that she hadn’t met anyone tempting enough to make her want to run with the bulls again. Her friends had tried to set her up, but she had become very adept at staving off their blind date efforts.

It was a Sunday afternoon when things took a turn for Simone. After church she made a beeline straight home and had just stepped on to the building’s elevator when she heard someone call, “Hold the elevator.” The deep, baritone voice tapped on her eardrums like a master drummer. Instinctively, her hand shot out and she held the door. When Wesley—a six-foot, carved from marble, dipped in milk chocolate, alpha male—stepped into the elevator, Simone’s clothes fell off. Okay, well not actually, but she felt like they would have had they had a mind of their own. Instead she, still in her clothes, stepped back into a corner of the elevator and looked away from the biggest temptation she had ever run across.

“Thanks for holding it for me. I just moved into the building yesterday and I already know that you could wait damn near forever for this elevator if you miss it.”

“You’re welcome,” Simone said and pulled out her phone so that she could focus on something other than him.

“What floor?” he asked her, noticing she hadn’t pushed a button when he pushed the one for the seventh floor.

“Excuse me?” Simone said, feeling unusually hot.

“What floor are you going to? You haven’t pushed a button.” Wesley looked at her curiously. Attractive, but definitely awkward,he thought.

“Five please.” She kept looking down at her smart phone. Why are you acting like an idiot around this man?she thought.

“I’m Wesley, by the way.” He stepped closer.

Simone looked up just long enough to say, “Simone. Welcome to the building.” Welcome to the building? She mentally berated herself. What are you, the acting building welcoming committee? Sheesh, get a grip girl.When the elevator stopped at her floor, Simone made a quick exit.

“Guess I’ll see you around.” Wesley called after her. She didn’t bother to respond. She was too busy mentally placing Wesley on the “avoid at all costs” list. Apparently putting someone on the list didn’t amount to much. Simone bumped into Wesley at the gym; he was now a member. At the grocery store; apparently he had to eat too. She even bumped into him in the stairwell of her building when she decided to take the stairs to avoid bumping into him in the elevator. Each time, she tried to sneak away before being seen or act like she barely noticed him, which she was sure came off as being rude, but she didn’t care. She had promised her heart no more crap shoots.

I See You

One evening after a long, stressful day at work, Simone dragged her tired body home. She was too tired to worry about running into Wesley, which of course she did, in the elevator. This time he saw her coming and held the doors for her. “Hello, Simone.”

“Hi,” she said and walked to a corner of the elevator and pulled out her phone.

“You know that doesn’t make me not see you, right?” Wesley stepped right in front of her.

She didn’t bother to look up. “I don’t know what you mean,” she said, still pretending to be so enthralled with whatever was on her phone.

“Every time we run into each other you try to shrink out of sight. Whether it’s playing with your phone, or acting like you don’t see me, or ducking behind a display at the grocery store so that you don’t have to speak to me. All that hiding, avoiding, and silliness, and still I see you. I just wanted you to know that.”  The elevator stopped and the doors opened on Simone’s floor. Wesley stepped back and as she walked out he said, “And I like what I see.” This caught her off guard and she turned just in time to catch his wink as the elevator doors closed. Simone stood there alone in the hallway trying to get a hold of her emotions. Was he playing games with her? After the way she’d been acting, how could he possibly like what he saw?

Finally getting ahold of herself, she let herself into her apartment and then reminded herself of Cornell and the beating her heart took by him. Hadn’t he seen her too and liked what he saw? How did that work out for you? she asked herself. Her cell phone ringing and buzzing in her hand startled her. “Hello.”

“Hi, Simone. It’s Paula. Now hear me out before you say no.” Simone knew right away that Paula was about to try to set her up.

“I’m listening,” she said as she started formulating a story to get out of Paula’s fix up plan.

“Kent has a friend that I think would be perfect for you. Before you say no, Kent and I would double-date with you to help keep it from being uncomfortable. We were thinking this Friday. So what do you say?”

“You know, Paula. I would go, but I already have plans.” Simone walked into her bedroom and sat on the end of her bed.

“Plans doing what?” Paula said skeptically.

“I have plans with my Matt.” Simone patted her mattress, which had just been named Matt to get her out of Paula’s blind date.

“We are going to hang out here and snuggle and watch some movies.”

“I didn’t know you were seeing someone.”

“Well, let’s keep that between you and me for now. If you don’t mind.” Simone was already feeling guilty about her lie and didn’t want it to spread among the masses.

“Not at all. Look, let’s get together soon. I want to hear about this new guy.” Paula said.

“Sure, I’ll call you this weekend and we can set something up.” Simone had already decided to tell her the truth after Paula had her customary two glasses of wine. Paula was more likely to see the funny side of the story with a little liquor in her.

Bumping into the Past

The week flew by and before Simone knew it Friday had arrived. It had been the first week she hadn’t bumped into Wesley. She tried to ignore the fact that she was keeping an eye out for him and felt disappointed whenever he hadn’t turned up in one of the spots they normally ran into each other. Nevertheless, Friday had arrived and she had plans to spend the evening, like she’d told Paula, in bed, snuggled on her “Matt”. She had shows to catch up on and all she needed was popcorn.

A quick stop by the grocery store led to an unwelcomed surprise.“Well, Simone Walker. How the hell are you?”Cornell’s voice startled Simone as she stood near the end of the aisle eyeing popcorn. She turned around and gave him a fake smile. “I’m doing well. How about you?”

“I’m good, excellent in fact.” He makes an exaggerated movement of looking first over Simone’s left shoulder and then her right one. “So, I can’t help but notice that you are here alone on a Friday evening, shopping for lonely girl movie night popcorn. So I take it you haven’t been able to replace me.”

“Since I don’t see anyone hanging off your arm, couldn’t I say the same about you?” Simone was immediately annoyed. After all this time, why did she have to run into him now?

“You could, but you would be wrong. My girl is in the car waiting for me. I just ran in to grab a bottle of wine to take to a dinner at one of her friend’s house.” His smug smile made Simone’s knee want to do him damage, but she kept it under control. She almost lost it when he said, “I bet you’re wishing you had enough sense to recognize a good thing when you had it?”

“Well, hopefully that’s not the case cause as far as I can tell she’s doing all right for herself.” Wesley stepped into the aisle, past Cornell, and placed his arm around Simone’s shoulders. The look on Cornell’s face, for Simone, was priceless. Wesley looked down at her and said, “Are you ready? I have everything I need to cook you dinner tonight. Did you grab the popcorn?”

Simone turned and plucked a bag of popcorn off the shelf. “Yes, I’m ready. Well, Cornell, have a good night.” Simone slid her arm around Wesley’s waist and together they walked away. Outside the store Simone turned to Wesley. “I can’t thank you enough for that. I appreciate it more than you know. I owe you one.”

“Not a problem. When I heard what he was saying to you, I couldn’t help but step in. And as far as you owing me one, you don’t. However, if you aren’t doing anything tonight I would love for you to come by with that popcorn and join me for dinner. But before you answer, please don’t say yes out of feeling obligated. Say yes only if you truly want to join me.”

Simone hesitated for a moment then said, “I would love to join you for dinner.”An hour later Simone was questioning her decision. It was time for her to head up to Wesley’s and she was nervous. She wanted to go, but fear of falling into another bad relationship was rising like the tide. Picking up her phone, she called her cousin Eva for advice.

“Hey, Simone. I was just wondering how you were doing,” Eva answered.

“Hi, Eva. I’m doing well, but I need some quick advice.” Simone quickly gave her a run down on her current situation, then asked, “Do you think I should cancel?”

“Hmmm, how should I say this…hell no! Look, it’s understandable that you are scared to put yourself back out there. You already know how well I can relate. You are scared you’ll make the same mistakes that you did with Cornell, but you know better now. You know not to rush into a relationship and throw your heart in without looking. Take it slow and get to know Wesley. If he’s as good of a guy as he appears to be, then it will be worth taking a chance. If he’s not, then break things off as soon as you know. Don’t run because you have fear, use it as a reminder to take things slow.”

Talking to Eva made Simone feel a bit more at ease. “Thanks, Eva. Talking to you helped. Well I have to get going; it’s time for me to head to his place.”

“Okay. Enjoy yourself and call me tomorrow to let me know how it went,” Eva said before they ended the call.

Dinner Date

Wesley opened the door with a smile. “I was half expecting you to cancel. I’m glad you didn’t.” He stepped back to let her in.

“I’m glad I didn’t also. Something in here is smelling good.” Simone looked around his placed and noted that he was very neat and had a minimalist aesthetic. “Nice place,” she told him.

“Thanks,” he said. “Why don’t you have a seat on the couch. The remote is on the coffee table. I’m just about finished and we will be eating in about ten minutes.”

Simone handed him the bag of popcorn and then took a seat on the couch. She fiddled with her maxi skirt, trying to relieve some of her nervous energy.

“You look nice by the way,” Wesley called from the kitchen.“Thanks,” Simone said. “And you look yummy,” she said under her breath.

“Thanks,” he said from behind her, causing her to jump.

“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” Simone said embarrassed to the bone. He laughed and said,

“I figured that, but since I did I thought it would be rude not to say thank you.” He walked around the couch and stood in front of her. He held out his hand and said, “Come on, dinner is ready.”

Simone took his hand and followed him into the kitchen where he had set the table. He held out her chair and waited for her to take a seat before taking his seat across from her.

“Everything looks and smells delicious,” Simone said.

“How about we pray over it then we can dive in.” Wesley bowed his head and held out his hands for Simone to hold. Simone laid her hands in his and bowed her head, while he prayed over the food. Over the course of dinner they covered the standard get to know you conversation—family, job, where they grew up. Then it was time for the last relationship conversation that Simone was dreading.

“So I assume the grocery store guy was the last man you were in a relationship with?” Wesley asked over the scoop of ice cream he served for dessert.

“Yes, he was. Quite the gem, right?” Simone smiled wryly.

“That’s one way to describe him. How long have things been over?” Wesley was hoping it wasn’t a fresh wound.

“A little over two years. It was an act of crazy randomness that I ran into him today.”

“Do you still have feelings for him after all that time?” Wesley asked.

“That would be a no. When I left I no longer had feelings for him. Today it was awkward, because right as I was leaving he’d told me that it would be easier for him to replace me than me to replace him. That was the point he was trying to drive home today. Thanks again for derailing him.”

“It was my pleasure,” Wesley said.

“What about you? When was your last relationship, and why did it end?”

“Ten months, and it ended because we wanted two different things. I wanted her and she wanted someone else.”

“What? I don’t believe that,” Simone said.

“Hard to believe, right?” Wesley joked. “I mean all this manliness and she turned it down?”

“Her loss,” Simone said, laughing and shaking her head. “So, do you still have feelings for her?”

“No. I have licked my wounds and moved on. I’m looking forward to seeing what the future holds,” he said as he maintained eye contact. Simone grew warm. Please don’t be too good to be true, she thought. Wesley stood and took their empty plates, rinsed them off, and sat them in the sink. “I’ll take care of those later. Why don’t we go back into the living room and find a movie to watch?”

“You sure you don’t want me to help you with the dishes first?” Simone offered.

“Positive.” He grabbed the bag of popcorn. “Do you have any room for popcorn?”

“No, but I would accept a drink to sip on,” she responded.

“What do you want to drink?” he asked her.

“I’ll take some more of that lemonade you made if there is more,” she said as she walked out the kitchen. She sat down and Wesley joined her moments later on the couch.

“So what do you want to watch?” Simone asked Wesley.

“I would like your opinion on something I’ve been working on. My mom and dad’s fortieth wedding anniversary is in two weeks and I filmed a tribute to present at their party. I would love for you to take a look and give me some feedback.”

“Sure, I would love to see what you’ve put together.” Simone was also interested in getting more insight on his family life. Wesley put the disk in and started it. He sat beside her on the couch and threw his arm across Simone’s shoulders, and feeling comfortable with him, she snuggled into his side.

The film was thirty minutes long and told of Wesley’s parents 40 year journey together through photos, family, and friends. It ended with Wesley coming on camera and saying, “My parents have been a true example of how great a relationship can be when you find the right person. Because of their love I grew up in a loving family and have a true example of a good relationship. I know that it’s best to build a friendship, then fall in love and commit to one another to keep the friendship and love going and growing. They have put in the work and have survived the good and the bad things that happen over the course of a lifetime. They have created a home that is so full of love that everyone who enters feel like family. I’m thankful to them for loving me and my siblings and showing us what true love looks like. Happy fortieth anniversary, Mom and Dad.”

Stay or Walk Away

The tribute struck something in Simone and before she knew it tears had formed. “Wesley that was absolutely beautiful. They are going to love it.”

“I know they will,” Wesley said softly.

“Oh, I thought you weren’t sure because you asked me to give you feedback,” Simone said.

“I wanted feedback on what I said at the end. Look, we both know there is a strong attraction between us. I want to know if you are interested in what I’m interested in. Like I said in the film, I want to build a friendship and then fall in love, and once there I want to commit with that person that we will work at keeping that friendship and love going and growing. Is that something you are interested in? I know I’m being direct, and believe me I’m not trying to rush us into anything. I just want to make sure that if we move forward we are looking at the same goal line.”

Simone thought about how letting go of a bad relationship had led her to this point and time. Could she now let go of the fear of being hurt and take a chance that things will work out with Wesley? “Honestly, Wesley, I don’t know if I’m ready.”

The understanding and tenderness that shone through Wesley’s eyes didn’t match his words or actions. “Fair enough.” He stood up. “Well, I truly enjoyed spending time with you this evening.”

Simone, caught off guard by his abrupt end to their evening, said, “Oh, uh, okay. I enjoyed it too.” She stood and with him following her, walked to the door. “Well I’ll just say good night.”

He reached around her to open the door, then paused. “I’m not grocery guy any more than you are my ex. But they both left a mark on us by their actions. I don’t want to be hurt any more than you do, but I’m not willing to give up on love just because I might get hurt.” He opened the door.

Simone had no response to give. Her mind told her he was right, but her heart wouldn’t give. She offered him a wry smile and walked out. He leaned on the doorframe and watch as she made her way to the elevator. She pushed the button to call for the elevator and tried to will it to come quickly. Her mind and emotions were racing and crashing within her. She felt Wesley’s eyes on her, but she couldn’t bring herself to turn around and face him. “Come on, come on,” she whispered under her breath to the elevator.

“Don’t run,” Wesley whispered under his breath to her. When the ding of the elevator announced its arrival Simone felt a brief moment of relief, followed quickly by panic, when she realized she couldn’t bring herself to step into the elevator. The doors closed and Simone turned to face Wesley who had stepped into the hall after the elevator left without her.

“I couldn’t get on,” Simone said wryly.

“Which means?” Wesley said walking up to her.

“I don’t know. I’m still not sure if I’m ready. But maybe, I don’t have to be sure. Maybe, I just need to be willing to try.”

“Are you saying you are willing?” Wesley asked.“Still scared, but definitely willing to try,” Simone admitted.

“I can accept that,” Wesley said, smiling. He gently pulled her into his arms and kissed her until her clothes fell off. Okay, well not actually, but she felt like they would have had they had a mind of their own.